What Does The Bible Say About Marriage & Relationships?
Video Timeline
WELCOME
00:00 - Welcome with Matt & Anna
TALK with John Harding
11:54 - What Does The Bible Say About Marriage And Relationships?
14:59 - What Are Some Of The Biblical Principles For Relationships?
WORSHIP
31:45 - What A Beautiful Name It Is with Lyrics
CONVERSATION STREET with Matt & Anna
35:46 - Conversation Street
CLOSING WORSHIP
1:06:28 - Worthy Of It All with Lyrics
Podcast:
What does the Bible say about Marriage & Relationships?
— John Harding
This is the question that I've been asked to share some thoughts on today with all of you lovely folks connected into CROWD church. Obviously, this is such a massive, massive topic and relationships are so complex and unique. So we couldn't possibly cover every variation and situation in this talk. For example, if I say today that I believe that the Bible teaches that marriage is for life, I'm not going to be able to cover all of the different situations and circumstances where I believe a marriage might need to end, for example, if a person is at risk of harm. That's why I think it's so important to get connected into a small group of Christians who you can talk to and process stuff with and hear God speaking to you through that wisdom of the group. If you contact us at CROWD church, we can help you with that. We'd love to connect you into that sort of group for further discussion and unpacking.
God Loves You
So, God's plan for marriage and relationships. It's a massive topic. I can only cover one or two ideas today. It's a nuanced, complex, varied thing. I can only talk generally. I can't cover every scenario, but also, this topic of relationships is hugely emotive. It's an emotional topic. You may have experienced all sorts of pain and brokenness through relationships. You might have a strong reaction when I say something like before, when I said the Bible teaches marriage is for life. You might think, well, my marriage ended. I worked really hard at it, and it still ended up in divorce. That might be your truth, your reaction. So right at the start of this talk today, on relationships, I want to stress one truth, one idea above all, and it is this - God loves you. He loves you, He sees you, God knows you. He knows all of what you've been through, and He loves you. He loves you with all of his love all of the time. And he wants to invite you into a deeper relationship with Himself. He wants to take you on a journey of healing and forgiveness so that as you move forward in life following Him, your relationships can be transformed.
We're not here at CROWD church to judge anyone. But we do want to call everyone into a more fulfilled way of living, the pattern for living that we see in the Bible. So...
What Are Some Of The Biblical Principles For Relationships?
The God Of The Bible Is The God Of Relationship
My first point I want to share with you is this: relationship is part of who God is. The God of the Bible is the God of relationship. Relationships were his idea. As Christians, we believe in this divine mystery that's too big to get our heads around, that God is one, but that this one God exists in three-part relationship as Father, Son, and Spirit. All of them in loving, unending, union. Father, Son, and Spirit loving one another, serving one another in perfect equality and perfect unity. God exists in relationship and that's important because I don't think we can ever really understand the Bible unless we read it in that way to see, first and foremost, who God is and what God is like, and then secondly, how we as humans are invited to share in and participate in that fullness of who God is. It is the simple and profound truth at the beginning of the Bible.
God says in the book of Genesis,
Let us make humans in our image. Father, Son, and Spirit. Three persons in relationship making humans to reflect, and echo and to flesh this truth out. I believe that for human relationships, on this horizontal level, to flourish, such as friendship, family, and marriage, we need to firstly get this vertical relationship right. Get connected into relationship with God the Father, Son, and Spirit, get the vertical relationship piece right, and the horizontal aspects of relationship, our relationships with one another, will be far more fruitful and fulfilling. There's so much truth and so much wisdom, so much we could learn and apply from that single idea that God exists in relationship, and we are made in His image to imitate that pattern for relationship.
Equality in Marriage
Let me give you just one little example of how that idea of who God is transforms relationships. Something that I believe Christians have got really wrong in the past is this: equality in marriage. You see, when we look at the Trinity, Father, Son and Spirit, all three persons are totally equal because all three are 100% fully God. All three are to be worshipped and adored. Each person of the Trinity is distinct and different from the rest and yet each person of the Trinity is equal. Diversity and equality.
Now, how does that apply to marriage? Well, before there was any sin in the world, any brokenness in the world, it says that Eve was described as Adam's suitable helper. That's the phrase that's used in the Hebrew Bible, a suitable helper. But when you dig a bit deeper and look at the original Hebrew language, the word helper has nothing to do with inferiority and superiority. In fact, throughout the Bible, the same word helper, the exact same word is used of God. God is our helper and God can't be inferior. So then when you look at the word suitable in the original Hebrew, a suitable helper, it means one who stands face to face, who boldly looks the other in the eye, eye to eye, equal. Eve was a suitable helper for Adam because she was his equal. That's what made her suitable.
Inequality in marriage
Now, it's only when you read about how Adam and Eve took the forbidden fruit, and when sin and brokenness entered the world, that it says inequality between men and women enter the world. So I would go as far as to say that if you're a Christian, and you're treating the person you're in a relationship with as less than you, and that you're somehow superior to them, especially in marriage, I would say you are cooperating with the fall. You're not living in a way that God intended and quite frankly, the Bible calls whatever causes us to fall short of God's perfect standard, sin.
When we look at the nature of God, that shapes and informs how we can be in a fulfilling relationship with another. That's point one. God is relational and we are made in His image to be like him and to live like Him.
Marriage & Singleness
Let me do points two and three. Now, point two is marriage as a lifelong union between one man and one woman. Point three is singleness, deep, non-sexual friendships.
I say that together because when you look at the Bible, there are only ever two types of relationships that the Bible affirms and celebrates. Marriage and singleness. I know that when we look at Christians around the world, you might get the impression that they're an angry bunch, that they're against this and they're against that. I am so sorry for Christians that are like that. This talk is not about the sorts of relationships the Bible is against. God is not against you. I'm simply wanting to outline the sorts of relationships that are celebrated in the Bible. The Bible only consistently celebrates marriage and singleness.
What Does The Bible Say About Marriage?
How does the Bible describe the relationship between husband and wife? Well, throughout the Bible, there's this consistent description of marriage that is used, first of all, in Genesis 2:24 to describe the archetypal, prototype model of relationship in the marriage of Adam and Eve. It is used throughout the Bible and later by Jesus Himself to define marriage. If you've ever been to a wedding, you'll have probably heard these words. This is what it says of marriage,
Leave
Three parts. Leave, cleave, and one flesh. If you're really switched on, you'll be able to connect that back to the nature of God, but essentially to leave is the legal part. It is about a public ceremony in every culture. That's how this idea gets defined in the Bible. Marriage is, according to the Bible, a legally binding thing. In marriage, your husband and wife legally belong to each other. We call this idea covenant. In ancient cultures, there would be a marriage procession from the parental house to the new marital house. In some cultures, a handprint would be left as a reminder. You can't have a successful marriage if one or both of the couples prioritise the old relationship with the parents over their partner. You have to leave that relationship. So leave, the legal.
Cleave
Number two, cleave. That's an old fashioned word that simply means to be emotionally joined together. Leave, the legal, cleave, emotional. It's about exclusive intimacy, a unique exclusive kind of love in marriage. Well, love in marriage. That is a big topic in itself, isn't it? What does love in marriage look like? And how do you maintain it? As I've said at the start, this is a really brief introduction to the topic, but let me just say that, that when the Bible talks about love In marriage, it's talking about something that includes attraction and romance, but it's something that is far, far, far bigger than romantic love. It's about love expressed as commitment, love expressed as sacrifice, the idea of two being bound together in love.
The example I often use of this type of love, comes from when one of my boys was little. He had this old teddy bear called Maxi bear. One year, when we were on holiday, we realised we'd left it behind. So, we drove a couple of hours back to the place we were staying in Wales and searched everywhere to find it (it was a five pound teddy bear from Asda). In one sense, it had little value, but because it was loved, it was valuable. Romantic love, well, that is the sort of love that celebrates what is lovely, what is beautiful. It loves what is admirable. But the problem with romantic love like that is, it fades. But the sort of love that sustains marriage is the sort of love that gives value. It beautifies, it creates value, it creates worth like my son's love for that old bear. So marriage in the Bible is a joining of man and woman legally, the leaving, the cleaving, and sexually.
One Flesh
Now Christians, religious people, in particular, have often in the past made sex out to be this bad, dirty thing. Actually, the Bible celebrates sex. It has lots to say about sex. In fact, there's a whole book in the Bible devoted to the importance of sex. But here's the caveat. Here's the point. God gives sex only and exclusively within marriage as something to help strengthen marriage. I'm going to say a little bit more about sex in just a minute or two, but let me move quickly on to the idea of singleness. That's point three.
What Does The Bible Say About Singleness?
As I've already said, there are only two types of relationships celebrated in the Bible marriage. As a church and as Christians, I think we've got this wrong in the past. We've given the impression that marriage is somehow superior to singleness. But the truth is, if you read the New Testament carefully and look at the earliest Christian churches, singleness was seen as superior to marriage. It's a pendulum swing. Think about it for a moment. The most fulfilled, the happiest, the most joyful, fruitful, celebrated person in the whole of human history, Jesus Christ himself was single all of his life. I'm going to resist the digression of DaVinci Code tangents because there's simply no academic historical evidence whatsoever to say that Jesus had any form of sexual union. Even the apostle Paul who wrote most of the New Testament, and after Jesus, was probably the greatest influence on Christianity, was most probably a widower, who then chose to live a single life.
One of the biggest challenges for both married people and single people is the way that the world around us has elevated and promoted sex. The act of sex has become this huge obsession and focus in society probably because
God made sex to be good, it's a good thing.
Sex outside of God's pattern is ultimately unfulfilling and that leads people into this quest for good sex.
But with both sex in marriage and celibacy in singleness, both these ways of life are there to reflect to one another who God is and how God loves. So as a Christian married man, my greatest priority is to my wife, Kirsten, to show her that she is loved and lovable, that I am 100% committed to her. Why? Because God wants to use me to model and demonstrate to Kirsten, His love for her. It's the same in Christian singleness. Your singleness is a gift to you, to help you to demonstrate to the world, your commitment to God and God's commitment to you and that His love is enough for you. The author Peter Scazzaro says,
And for as long as he keeps you single, he will gift you, equip you, empower you to live in that calling as you look first to him, to meet your deepest needs, not looking to another human.
I am out of time. There is so much more I would love to say on that topic. But that's the power of small groups. So let me simply end with a prayer.
A prayer for relationships
Loving God, Father, Son, and Spirit we need your help. Empower us in our relationships. I pray for every married person watching this video. May there be forgiveness and intimacy as they seek to center their marriages around you. I pray for those watching who are single. May you envision them in their singleness in this season of life of singleness. Give them deep friendships and may they know you, Jesus, to be their all-sufficiency, to be all that they need. Amen!
CONVERSATION STREET
With: Matt Edmundson & Anna Kettle.
What is Conversation Street?
Conversation Street is part of our live stream, where the hosts (in this case, Matt & Anna) chat through John’s talk and answer questions that were sent in through the live stream. To watch the conversation now, click here.
Matt: What were your first impressions of John Hardings talk?
Anna: For me, the biggest takeaway was that we talk a lot about marriage and relationships a lot more than singleness. I love that he said singleness is as important as marriage. They're both equal before God, but one is not better than the other. I love that. I was someone that didn't get married particularly young so I did a number of years of singleness so I really appreciated hearing that.
Matt: I liked what he said about the Bible celebrates marriages and it celebrates singleness. For the longest time, the church has promoted marriage as superior to singleness. But actually, John's comment was when you read the Bible, and especially the New Testament, Paul's writings, for example, in 1 Corinthians 7 and you look at the life of Jesus, singleness is almost a better way than marriage. So I thought that was a really interesting balance that he brought.
I got married in my mid-20s and I knew that I needed to sort myself out before I got married. But when I joined the church at 18, it became quite apparent that one of the first things that you were supposed to do as a young man was to find a wife and get married, which I don't think is necessarily that helpful. Was that what you experienced?
Anna: Yeah. I definitely felt a really strong obligation to find a Christian husband, to get married and have a family. Actually, as a young 20 something who had lots to give, I often felt at times that there weren't the same opportunities that would have been there if I'd been married, or better still, married to a church pastor or a church leader. I'm not dissing that, my dad's a church pastor, but I definitely picked up the message that marriage was something to be sought after. The perceived message was, it was more spiritual to be married than single. I don't think that's true at all.
Matt: Yeah, I'd agree with you. If that's the message you've heard, certainly from us, we can only apologise. We don't think that's right.
You said you got married later on in life, certainly in Christian circles it would be deemed a little bit later. Can you have a fulfilling life as a single person?
Anna: Yeah, every stage of life is different. You can have a fulfilling life as a single. I certainly did in my 20s. I served God, I did gap years and missions, travelled lots and had an amazing career. I've also had a great 30s, where I've become married and become a mum, and all of those stages of life are different, and they have different challenges. One's not better than another. I certainly have less time to kind of serve God now than I did when I was single and younger. My preferences come second to my little boy. I have to bear in mind what my husband needs as well. It's a balance. I totally agree though with what Paul says in the Bible about how it's better to be single because then you can serve God without distraction.
Matt: I agree. The scripture you referred to is 1 Corinthians 7. Paul talks about various different things, and he says,
Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you.
So, wherever you find yourself, just live a Godly life and let God's purposes and plans take place in your life so that you can be fulfilled in whatever stage you're at. I think singleness has its benefits and I think marriage has its benefits. Wherever you are though, that's awesome. Don't be afraid of that.
What is one of the best books on relationships that I can read?
Matt: There is a specific book which John alluded to in the Bible called the Song of Solomon, which is dedicated pretty much this whole idea of romance and relationships. It's a bit steamy that book and I think traditionally Jewish boys were not allowed to read it until they were 16. There are a few books I've read that have helped me. One of which is, men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, which is a fairly old book. It's all about communication, and how men communicate like Martians and women communicate like they're from Venus. They have two different languages. That was very helpful for me to understand, and help me understand communication a little bit better. I think The Five Languages of Love is a good book to read. Any I read by Oritha Hagen. She wrote a book called The Price Is Not Greater Than God's Grace, talking about her marriage, which was just phenomenal.
The best thing I did though was hang out with married couples. When I was in my mid-20s because I grew up in a divorced house, my parents divorced when I was nine, I had not seen what a happy marriage was like. If you've grown up in a family with a mom and dad that have stayed married, I think you have a very different outlook on life than if you've grown up in a home, where there's a lot of broken relationships and unhappiness, and maybe there's a lot of cheating going on. What you get taught by osmosis is quite fascinating, especially when you throw modern culture into that. So the best thing that I ever did was just hang out with people like Dave and Julie Connolly, and watch them do life together, and understand that you can have a great marriage. I went off on one there, but that's my answer.
Anna: I think that's really good advice, and I'd say that right across the piece. Whatever your relationship status, whether you're married, or you're single. Something I've realised more and more since I've been married is that family is God's design. Marriage is part of family, but also family is so much broader than just the nuclear family. I've talked about this before, but I'm married and we've got one child. We'd always hoped to have a bigger family. That's not been possible for us. But, it's challenged me when I was single as well, to think about family as not just about your nuclear family, but about your friends and your wider community. Community is so important. Just because you're in a marriage doesn't mean you're not lonely. Just because you're single doesn't mean you are. Don't expect one relationship to ever give you everything. John made the point that ultimately God is your most important relationship, but being part of a bigger church family was really important for me. Looking out for single people and having them around and vice versa. Even now that I'm in a family, I think hanging out with other families, or still having singles round is still really important to me. My little family doesn't fulfill all my needs either in terms of relationship and connection, either so it's important to see ourselves as part of a bigger community and a bigger church.
Matt: Yeah, that's really good.
Is there just one person for us to marry? Does the Bible say that there is one person for us to marry and that's it?
Anna: I don't think there is just one person. In lots of areas of life, God gives us choice. There's lots of choices that God gives us. What you do, where you work, where you live, how you live, who you marry, I think they're all things that God gives us free choice on. Destiny isn't narrow and defined as far as I can read in the Bible. Life is about loving God, loving people around you, and they're absolutes to live by. That's what Jesus says is the greatest commandments and everything else I think is more pretty much up for grabs. As long as you're seeking to honour God and love God, and love those around you, it's kind of up to what you do with your time and your life and how you live and the choices you make. So, no, I don't I don't think there is one person and that's not been my experience. I've dated people that I could have gone on and married and didn't for different reasons. I think you have a choice and can make your own decision. I've seen friends who have gone into a marriage and genuinely believed it would be forever and that they were making the right decision. Then, that other person's made decisions later that have undone that marriage. You can't always know what's ahead. We make decisions based on the knowledge we've got in front of us. You know, we try to honour God. I think that's the best we can do. I don't think it's as narrow as there's one person and if you miss it then you've missed it.
Matt: Yeah, I'd agree.
I've seen it where usually men, and I'm gonna pick on the men because I can, but it's usually that there's a man in the relationship that goes, oh, there's only one person that I was destined to marry and obviously the person I've married is not that person because when you bring two imperfect people together, you're going to get an imperfect marriage, right? It's not going to be a fairy tale. So I've seen people who shall remain nameless, but I know people that have said, this was not the person God ordained for me to marry, therefore, I'm going to leave them because this person over here is obviously the person that God has ordained for me to marry. It's dangerous thinking. I think we do have a choice in who we marry. But here's the key. Once you have got married, then that that is the one person God has got for you. And you've got to start thinking that way. You've got to act like that wherever possible.
What happens if I've got divorced?
Again, a lot of the Church's teaching is get married, don't get divorced. And I think there are occasions where divorce is permissible. We have done a little bit of teaching on this in the past. You can check out those videos if you'd like. There are occasions where divorce may be permissible. I personally don't have an issue with remarriage, for example. I know people have got divorced, and then is there an issue with remarriage in church? Again, we've done stuff on that in the past, which you can check out. I think the bottom line is this. God's grace is big enough. We are all flawed and fallen human beings. I think there are time when don't attain to God's perfection ie. all the time. Can God's grace cover that? Yes. Can he work through that? Yes. Can forgiveness rule and reign? Yes. Can God work in a marriage that's complex and difficult? Yes.
Anna: I agree. There's a lot of grace. God is for people isn't He? He's for relationships. He wants them to work. He wants to help us make them work. But sometimes for lots of complex reasons they just don't. People make bad decisions and hurt one another and break things. I think God's got grace for that. I also think he has the ability to turn situations around. You talked about remarriage. I've seen with friends who've had divorces and been left heartbreaking by partners walking out on them, but God's been gracious and brought someone else into their life afterward. I think that's God's grace and His restoration. The bottom line is God is for us, and He loves us. I love the fact that John started there. You've got to keep coming back to that rather than this kind of legalism because of course God gives us boundaries, but the bottom line is His love for us and His grace.
Matt: Absolutely. My testimony is this. Been married for 23 years, and it has been incredible. Way more than I ever expected it to be. I lucked out. I definitely punched above my weight. The fact that Sharon has not killed me yet is just nothing short of a miracle. I'm not the easiest person to live with. And I think my story is this. I came from a broken family. I'd never seen a relationship that had worked. But I felt like I could get married. That was something that was right for me. And 23 years later it just keeps getting better and better. When you do it God's way and you follow God's rules, and you follow God's plan and purposes, it just seems to work out. It's not saying it's easy, but it is amazing.
What happens if you're married to a non-Christian?
Again, 1 Corinthians 7, Paul actually talks about this.
If a Christian man has a wife, who is not a believer, or is not a Christian, and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a Christian woman has a husband, who is not a believer, and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage. And the Christian husband brings holiness to his marriage.
And so I think that is that's quite an extraordinary statement to say you bring holiness to your marriage. I'm gonna throw you right in the deep end. What does that mean?
Anna: Well, I think that it probably means that you bring God into your relationship. As believers, each of us carry something of God's presence with us. I think if you have that in your life, then you bring that into your relationship, and you bring it to your partner and to the rest of your family if you've got a family. It's so often thrown around that verse about "do not be yoked with unbelievers", I heard that a lot growing up in church.
Matt: Well it says "do not be unequally yoked".
Anna: That was thrown around a lot in church as a warning. Don't marry a non-Christian. I'm not saying that's not wise advice, it is. I think it's easier to have the same faith in a marriage. But I also think it comes back to God's grace. I do have several friends who have married people who don't share the same faith as them. A number of friends are in that situation, and they have amazing marriages. I think it can work. It can take some work too. You do need to be on the same page even if you don't have exactly the same beliefs.
Anna: It goes back to that thing of being equally yoked though, doesn't it? That's not just about your faith or your values, that's part of it, but also there are lots of other areas where you can be equally or unequally yoked with a person. You can be a bad match in terms of your values, your calling, what you want to do in the future etc. Some of it is about common sense. I wouldn't marry someone who says they want to go and live in Africa because that's not what I want to do.
Matt: I'm gonna disagree with you here. I'll tell you why. When Sharon and I were dating, she wanted to go and live in Africa. I didn't at all. I wanted to go live in the States. In fact, we broke up over this very topic because we felt we had two very different callings. Here's the thing, though. The Bible says, when two people get married they become one flesh and I think when that happens we inherit a new calling from God. The call you have together might not be the same as the call you had as singles or as individuals. And you know what, we seem to have made it work. I get that you wouldn't do that. I did. And it seems to have worked out.
Anyway. What's that quote from the Jerry Maguire film? “I love my life. I love my wife. And I wish you my kind of success.”
More Bible Verses On Marriage And Relationships
Genesis 2:18 - Then the Lord God said, "it is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him".
Genesis 1:28 - Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth"
Genesis 2:24 - Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
1 Corinthians 6:18 - Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
Ephesians 5:28 - Husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies
Ephesians 5:33 - However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
1 Corinthians 7:3-4 - The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, the wife does. Do no deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer.
Ephesians 5:25 - As for husbands, love your wives just like Christ loved the church and gave himself for her.