Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage, Singleness | Mark 10:1-12
Introduction
Please note: This blog post is based on the notes from our extended teaching on what that Bible has to say about Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage and Singleness.
There are three things that I want to mention, right here at the start, that I think will help us all as we go through this teaching.
1: Be like the disciples: Ask your Questions.
Jesus, when He was asked about this topic of relationships, had a limited time to respond - as I do. And one of the things that is interesting from this passage, as we will see, is that Jesus’ teaching required more explanation for the disciples. They came away from His initial teaching with questions.
I’m in that same situation! I have a limited time to go through this, and it may cause you to come away with questions…and that’s OK. I would encourage you to do as the disciples did, and dig out the answers to those questions. Too many times we just let things fester and never really deal with them. So as we go through - write out your questions. If you want, put them in the comments, and we will do our best to answer them. You can WhatsApp your questions if you want more privacy. So, be like the disciples: Ask your Questions.
2: Shame and secrecy will rob you of God’s best
No relationship is perfect. Every relationship has issues. It’s what we do about those issues that make the difference. When I mentioned to John Harding what we were teaching on, and asked him for any specific advice, he said this…and it’s worth mentioning it here.
Interestingly, we find that in church cultures where you go hard on the absolutes, it can create a culture of secrecy, and people don't tend to talk about serious marriage problems until it’s too late because of stigma.
— John Harding
So, specifically, if you are a Christian couple and your marriage is in a difficult place, please, I implore you, speak to someone about it. Be open. When you hold things in secret, you keep them hidden in the darkness. It is in the darkness that the enemy operates. When you bring things into the Light, you bring things in God’s Kingdom, and if there is any place you want a troubled marriage - it is in God’s Kingdom where Grace abounds and He is involved, rather than hidden in secrecy and shame. Shame and secrecy will rob you of God’s best
3: Let God’s grace abound towards you
Also right here at the beginning I also want to offer grace and hope to you, whether you are single, married, divorced or remarried - whilst this teaching is challenging, it is also full of grace and hope.
So remember, that God is for you, not against you. He is for you if you are single or married. His grace abounds towards you whether you are perfect or have fallen short in the area of relationships. God is a God of grace, of love and forgiveness…and we should just breath that in, right here, at the start. Let God’s grace abound towards you.
I appreciate all of this is a sermon itself - but please understand these three key points as they will serve as a framework.
My Story
Me and Sharon on our Wedding Day in 1998
My story is that my parents divorced when I was around 9. Back then, divorce was still pretty uncommon and I don’t remember many of the kids I grew up with staying mainly with their mum and going for weekly stays with their Dad as I did.
I think it definitely affected me, and I didn’t treat women well that I dated. It wasn’t until I was in church that I started to see happy marriages did I start to have a hope that marriage could actually be good. And I mean good - not together because you had to be together, but together because they wanted to be together - they enjoyed being married. It was remarkable really, so I became excited about the idea of marriage. I just wasn’t ready for it - and God knew that.
So I made a decision to not date anyone for a season, and I went to the scriptures and read a lot about dating, sex & marriage - so much so that I wrote a study called dating, sex and marriage - it was my creed if you like.
And whilst my friends pulled out that guide to ridicule me at my wedding (and rightly so), it must have worked because here I am - 22 years later, a very happily married man.
But in all of this, I realise that I am the exception and not the rule. Both inside and outside the church I have seen the heartbreak of divorce and what it can bring so that’s why I say this teaching from Jesus is life-changing, marriage-making stuff - and when we follow it, good things happen!
Ok - so let me go through the outline of Jesus' teaching so you know where we are going with this:
The Outline
We learn that divorce was easy to do and a wide practice, just as it is today.
Jesus identifies the real reason they get divorced.
Marriage has been around since the dawn of time.
Jesus explains what marriage is - a divine union.
Jesus gives an exception to the divorce rule.
Jesus tells us that remarriage is possible in exceptional circumstances.
Jesus validates being single.
“Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them. Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?””
1: We learn that divorce was easy to do and a wide practice, just as it is today
So, this is how Jesus’ teaching on relationships starts. It starts with a simple question from the Pharisees: “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?”
Let’s mention right here the wording of this question - because, in the Jewish culture, it was OK for a man to divorce his wife, but it wasn’t OK for a wife to divorce her husband. And as we will see - a lot of what Jesus is going to teach here is actually to restore the status of women and protect them.
Now I want to bring in the parallel passage from Matthew’s Gospel here as it will add in a little more detail.
“Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?””
And this is important - is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? Why would they ask that? There is a backstory here that is important for us to understand when reading this Scripture, as it will give us context for this question.
When a first century Jew asked, “When am I allowed to get a divorce from my wife?” - the passage they would turn to is
“If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce…”
And it then goes off and gives some more instruction around this topic.
At the time, the main Jewish view on divorce came from the Hillel school of thinking, who interpreted this scripture by focusing on the word something or some - they found something indecent about her. This could be literally anything, as long as you found it indecent. Pretty nuts right?
So this becomes incredibly flexible. In fact, in the Talmud, they use the example even if she spoiled his dish (she spoiled his dinner) since it is said that he has found indecency in her in anything. Wow! Imagine that - being able to divorce your wife because you didn’t like how she cooked your last meal. How utterly shameful and broken is that line of thinking?
Now - let’s not get too hard on first-century Jews - because let me ask you a question, do we have a better view in modern society?
Almost 40% of the UK couples that got married in the same year Sharon and I did are now divorced according to the office of National Statistics with “Unreasonable behaviour being the most commonly used ground for divorce”
So what is unreasonable behaviour - well, I googled it of course, and here as some of the most common examples:
Falling out of love
Going different paths
Lack of support
Disrespectful/demeaning/controlling behaviour
Lack of sex and emotional connection
Fallouts with family members
Arguing over money
Stressful working hours/feeling second in line to the other person’s career
Having an affair / adultery
Differences in raising the kids
And Christian’s are not exempt from these stats or these reasons. So, just like the first-century Jews, we can find ourselves going to Jesus and asking, “can I divorce my spouse for any of these reasons? They are culturally acceptable, but what do you think?”
“What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.””
2: Jesus identifies the real reason they get divorced.
In other words, the Pharisees are saying that they think that they can divorce for any reason because of what Moses wrote. Numptys! Jesus’ response here is simple and subtle - but we must take note of it. In effect, He knows the source of their question - an Old Testament passage that Moses wrote.
So He asks them - what did Moses say? He takes them back to the Bible, which is always a great place to go when you have questions. And the reason that Jesus takes them straight to Moses’ teaching is that they have twisted meaning into one specific word to get the outcome that they want.
And it’s worth pointing out that what are reading today is not complete teaching on marriage, divorce, remarriage and singleness. The Bible has a lot to say about the topic, so just honing in on one or two verses, or even words, isn’t helpful when you haven’t considered the rest of what Scripture has to say on the topic. If we do that, we run into the same issue that the Pharisees run into and that is the creation of some very twisted theology.
We read the start of what Moses said in Deuteronomy 24, but I want to encourage you to read the rest of the passage and ask yourself, “why? Why was this recorded in Scripture?”
The 24-hour marriage
To answer that, let’s take a quick side step here and address the idea of the 24-hour marriage. This is a practice that we still see today and it was also rife at the time of Moses. The belief was that you have to be married to have sex with a woman. So, if divorce is easy then you would basically marry a woman, sleep with her and then divorce her the next day. Then another man would marry her, sleep with her and divorce her. Then the first guy would marry her again and sleep with her.
They believed that this was right before God. I mean it doesn’t take a genius to take a step back from that and call it what it is - a perverse form of prostituting women and trying to justify it. It’s evil and it is what happens when men try and find a way around a law because they don’t like it.
It’s more than likely that the passage in Deuteronomy, the Moses passage, was recorded to stop this practice fo the 24 hours marriage as it was evil and immoral and robbed the life and rights of the women basically turned into sex slaves.
And this practice of 24 hours marriages was also happening at the time of Jesus, so I am super keen to see Jesus’ response.
““It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied.”
Ouch! The only reason that this law had to be written was because of the hardness of men’s hearts. That tells you something right there! And by saying this he absolutely rejects their idea that you can divorce a woman for any reason, and He firmly closes the door on the abuse of women for sex.
This idea that you cannot divorce for any reasons is as revolutionary then as it is now.
Now let me be clear, that doesn’t mean Jesus is opposed to any possible divorce, but he is opposed to a divorce for any possible reason.
Hardness of heart
Hardness of heart - this happens when your life and motives become about you. A hard heart is a selfish heart, it is a heart that will not listen to any reason or counsel that causes you to sacrifice the idol of you for the service of others. And as such, a hard heart is one that fundamentally cannot hear or receive the counsel of God. You are selfish and independent. And as such, are very unlikely to succeed in marriage.
So because of that, because of the hardness of your heart, Moses gave some guidance on divorce that fundamentally prohibits the prostitution of women, not because divorce is right or good, but because you are stubborn and hard-hearted.
Or, in Matt talk, Jesus is saying the only reason this law exists is because you are a numpty, a complete and utterly selfish, self-centred pig of a man.
Ouch.
“But at the beginning of creation, God ‘made them male and female.’”
3: Marriage has been around since the dawn of time.
Jesus has taken then right back to the book of Genesis - the beginning of time. This is before the fall. Before sin entered the world. Which I find incredible because marriage, as an idea, as an institution, as something beautiful and something divine has been around since the dawn of time.
So Jesus takes us back to the beginning
“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
4: Jesus explains what marriage is - a divine union.
And then He explains what marriage is. Now, remember - He is talking to the Pharisees. These guys thought they knew everything. They thought they were so smart that they could catch Jesus out here - but boy were they wrong. They are getting proper schooling from Jesus…part of me chuckles, but the other part of me is glad it wasn’t me…
This is a beautiful picture of what happens when you get married. I like what the message writes: In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage, he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity.
No longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. United by a permanent bond. God designed marriage with permanency in mind. And it’s a beautiful and sacred thing. Two become one - it is more than just a contract that you can break any time that you want. The two have become one.
But then Jesus says something a little surprising.
Polygamy and Monogamy
“and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”
Jesus seems to repeat Himself. And it is deliberate - because He is jumping all over another false idea that they had at the time - and it was around polygamy.
And this all stems from twisting another word in the Bible to mean something that it was never intended to mean. So let’s look at that verse:
“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
There was a school of thought at the time that the word they could mean multiple as it didn’t explicitly say two. In other words, implicit in the text of Adam and Eve getting married was that it was two people uniting. But because it doesn’t explicitly say two become one, but it rather says they become one, then people have interpreted that to mean that we can marry more than one wife.
Now - I know this is twisted and nuts. But, for a lot of people, even today, this is a reason for them to take more than one wife. So Jesus makes it really clear to His audience that, in His opinion, they is two. And repeats this just to be clear.
“and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”
Marriage is monogamous. It is between two people and only two people. Now remember that again, this is quite radical teaching at the time.
Don’t let anyone separate
“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.””
Now, this is pretty awesome! Jesus is telling us that marriage, done right, where two people unite into one flesh, is joined together by God.
Just think about that. God has joined you together.
Ideally, for Christians, there should never be divorce, because ideally - if two people are living for Christ they should never have a reason to get divorced. There is no reason to separate what God has joined together when you are living in a biblical marriage. But this is ideally. And ideally isn’t always reality.
Note that Jesus doesn’t say that nothing can separate the two. But He is warning us - don’t let anyone separate you.
That sounds like it is my choice. Sharon and I have to do everything that we can to make sure that nothing separates us…that’s our choice, our decision together. It’s our task.
We have to keep short accounts with each other, we have to make sure that no one else is starting to take the space of our spouse in our lives. We have to work at our marriage, fight for our marriage and protect our marriage from those things - because God has joined us together in this amazing, divine and sacred union.
“When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this.”
Now, if you have been following along with our Livestreams, you’ll remember that a few weeks ago I talked about The Mountain, The Workplace, The Road, & The Private Place.
And here we see Jesus in the crowds, to the workplace and then the disciples take it to the workplace. They had heard the sermon, but they wanted more information - and Private Place is the place to hammer this out.
Once in the Private Place, his disciples asked him to explain it to them again. This intrigues me - and it gives us insight into the fact that Jesus has just gone and rocked their thinking somewhat. They heard what they heard - but they needed Jesus to explain it further.
So Jesus obliges and explains it further.
“He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.””
5: Jesus gives an exception to the divorce rule.
So Jesus has now added into the mix this idea of adultery.
But before we get into the question of adultery - there is a subtlety around this verse that I want to draw out -
Jesus said, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her.” And for years, I just read over that as it just makes sense in my mind - but that is because I live in the culture that I do. But this was revolutionary for the time - because in that culture and in that context, it would have been the man that was sinned against. But Jesus highlights that it is actually the woman who is sinned against. This is Jesus restoring and protecting the status of women again - which is amazing, but something that we can easily miss as many of us are not part of that culture or thinking.
Why does Jesus tell us that if we divorce and marry another we are committing adultery? The first idea could be that if you get a divorce for reasons outside of the biblical exceptions for divorce, then that doesn’t mean you are necessarily free from your moral obligation to your spouse - especially if you are a Christian couple - which is why you hear of Christian couples who get back together after being separated.
This is what Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians.
“To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.”
So if you are watching this, as a Christian in a Christian relationship and you are separated - one of the best bits of counsel I have heard on this is simply to not allow anyone into your life into that space that your spouse once filled as this will destroy your marriage. Remain unmarried and seek reconciliation. The time apart may be a time of healing.
There are exceptions to divorce that are worth mentioning here. Whilst I don’t think divorce is the right course of action almost all of the time, I also don’t think that Jesus is blind to the fact that we live in a fallen world and that there is a difference between what is ideal and what is reality.
These exceptions, I believe, would free the spouse from the marriage covenant, and they would be free to marry again.
The three exceptions that I think are talked about:
Adultery
Abandonment
Abuse, extreme abuse.
Adultery
So in the parallel passage from Matthew’ gospel, Jesus says:
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.””
So that would be adultery for the reasons we talked about earlier - that sex is sacred to the marriage covenant and having sex with someone other than you spouse violates something that is deeply sacred which is why, even today, even with couples that don’t have faith - adultery is such a betrayal and hard to come back from.
I don’t think it’s impossible to come back from adultery, and there are many stories of God’s forgiveness and grace working miracles in people’s lives. Adultery doesn’t have to be the end of the line for a relationship but it is recognised by Jesus as a possible reason for it.
Abandonment
“But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.”
If you have been married to an unbeliever who leaves, then let them go. I think you could also apply these principles to people who call themselves Christians because they are Christian in name only, they will not listen to Jesus or receive the instruction that comes their way and Matthew 18 talks about treating them as an unbeliever in such cases. He doesn’t call them an unbeliever but that we are to treat them as such.
You are free from that commitment if that happens.
Let me just pause here a minute and say, as clearly as I can, that whilst I think there are exceptions to the no divorce rule if you are in a marriage and you are looking for a way out and you take anything that I have said as your reasoning for a divorce, especially if you are a Christ-follower, then I think you have missed the point. I talk about these exceptions with great trepidation knowing that people could easily abuse and misinterpret what I have said. Please don’t do that.
6: Jesus tells us that remarriage is possible in exceptional circumstances.
“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.””
So what is interesting about this verse is that Jesus is saying that remarriage is possible if you are free from the covenant of the first marriage. If you are not free from the covenant of the first marriage, then remarriage would be classed as adultery.
So let me repeat something I said earlier because at this stage, I think it is important:
If you are a divorced, and you divorced for reasons not given in Scripture, then God’s grace abounds towards you when you seek His forgiveness and restoration. I am firmly convinced of that. We have all sinned. We have all fallen short of the glory of God and we all need His grace to move forwards. And He can do that for you.
If you are a couple in crisis, and you are a Christian couple, I want to you to know that there is hope for you and your marriage and that, again, His grace is enough for you to make this work if both of you will fight for it. It may be hard and it may be painful, but with God - all things are possible. And as I said at the start - if this is you - please don’t hide in secrecy and shame - it is where the enemy operates! Bring it into the light.
If you have divorced for reasons that are not given in Scripture, and you have remarried, then you should stay married and honour the second marriage. Again - his grace is there. It always is, regardless of where we are in life. If we turn to him and acknowledge our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and His grace is extended to us, and we can move on in newness of life.
Marriage is a reminder for us to live a holy life. It’s more than just an agreement to live together until you don’t like each other. Jesus takes marriage and reminds us that God joined them together. So Jesus clarifies what marriage is. He then clarifies His thinking about divorce. This stops the mistreatment of women, it returns marriage to where God intends it to be.
And after He explains this more fully to the disciples, in the private place, and the disciples start to understand the mind and heart of Jesus towards marriage, and how it is so very different to the culture and society at the time - the disciples then ask another question…
“The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.””
7: Jesus validates being single.
This is a fascinating question, isn’t it? Jesus has challenged their thinking so much that they ask is it worth getting married. And the call to marriage is a hard one, and that’s why we shouldn’t just rush into it. If the disciples as this question, though, I do wonder what the state of their marriages was like!
So let’s look at Jesus’ answer, and I want to read it from the Message translation to help us understand it.
“But Jesus said, “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it.””
Look at this - Jesus doesn’t say that everyone should get married. And this is important, especially for Christians. As I said at the start, I have married for over 22 years. But before I was married - I had been single for 25 years. And that’s the commonality amongst us - we have all been single, but we don’t all get married.
And this is important because so much our culture is built around couples. This is especially true of the church culture. At the time of Christ, it was thought that you were in sin if the men were not married by the time they were 21. And in a lot of ways, we have carried this over into the church too. Single people are almost made to feel second best…and that is simply not the case as Jesus shows us.
Did you know that 1/3 of the adult population in British Churches are single? Some choose a life of singleness and others are single and frustrated about being single.
The Bible is very positive about singleness. Let me say that again. The Bible is very positive about singleness. Paul was single. John the Baptist was single. Jesus was single, despite what Hollywood would try and get us to believe. We could leave it right there!
So we know what Jesus said about singleness, what did Paul say?
Paul on Singleness
“I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.”
Here Paul is calling singleness a gift from God. He isn’t speaking of a particular ability some people have to be contentedly single. Rather, he’s speaking of the state of being single. As long as you have it, it’s a gift from God, just as marriage will be God’s gift if you ever receive it. We should receive our situation in life, whether it is singleness or marriage, as a gift of God’s grace to us.
The Bible talks about two key advantages of being single:
“But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.”
Notice here that Paul clarifies that it is not a sin to get married. This again was counter-cultural because they believed you had to be married by 21 and if you didn’t, it was a sin. The other thing to notice here is that Pauls says those who marry will face many troubles in this life. So being single, you avoid those. In other words, marriage is hard work - and it brings its own set of troubles with it.
Paul goes on to say
“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs —how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.”
So the second advantage of being single is that you can devote yourself more fully to the work of God. I appreciate that if you are single you may have had enough of people saying this to you, you may not see it as a good thing - but it’s true none-the-less. So we know that singleness has advantages and that both Paul and Jesus validate singleness.
But we also know that singleness is hard. Our culture and our church culture are built around the idea of couples. Relationships are often glorified in the church which means being single can be super isolating and just plain lonely.
And if I am honest, the church doesn’t always deal with singleness in a healthy way. Christians don’t always deal with singleness in a healthy way. And I apologise to you if the church or Christians have made you feel second best, isolated and lonely.
Not Good to be alone
One of the first things recorded in the Bible -
“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.””
It’s not good to be alone. So even if you are single, can I encourage you to get into a family and friendships. Don’t be alone. We see this with Paul, and with Jesus who was single. They had family that they were part of. And it’s a Biblical thing.
“God sets the lonely in families”
So get involved with families but don’t think of singleness as second best. Singleness may not be where you stay - but if you are here now, do make sure that you receive it as a gift from God, focus on the things of God and get involved in a family.
Summary
So there you go. That was Jesus’ quick teaching on marriage, divorce, remarriage and singleness. There’s a lot in there, isn’t there?! Now - let me end with this - in this passage that we have looked at, Jesus has dealt with the why of marriage. Why marriage? Why divorce is the last resort for us. Why it is important to God etc.
What Jesus hasn’t done here is not necessarily deal with the how of marriage - how do I do marriage well? How do I deal with the tricky situation I find myself in? Where is the practical application?
Well, I would suggest that wherever you are, and in whatever relationship state you are in, you always start with the Why. You start with the fundamentals.
If, for example, your marriage is in trouble - then looking at these fundamentals is essential. Start here, understand the Why of marriage, understand that God has a plan for your marriage and that you are committed to fighting for it.
Then, the two of you together can understand the How. That comes from studying scripture, seeking counsel, reading books on the topic and so on.
Now let me close by restating what I said at the start:
Be like the disciples: Ask your Questions. We’ve only had a limited time to go through this, and we have only scratched the surface on what the Bible has to say about marriage. So dig in and ask your questions!
Shame and secrecy will rob you of God’s best. Don’t keep stuff hidden. Don’t feel ashamed if your marriage is in trouble, but rather be encouraged that God’s grace is there for you.
Let God’s Grace Abounds Towards You. You have to let the grace of God abound towards you. That means you can stop it too. But His grace is there, in such abundance for you. And His grace is more than enough.