What Does The Bible Say About Friendship?
Video Timeline
WELCOME
0:00 - Welcome with Sharon & Rach
TALK with Nic Harding
05:48 - What Does The Bible Say About Friendship?
06:18 - Good Friends In Challenging Times
07:16 - Tough Love
07:56 - Invest In Your Friendships
10:40 - Friends For Eternal Life
12:43 - What About Friendship With God?
16:52 - A Prayer
WORSHIP
20:27 - I Will Exalt with lyrics
CONVERSATION STREET with Sharon & Rach
25:01 - Conversation Street
CLOSING WORSHIP
50:57 - All Creatures Of Our God with Lyrics
Podcast:
What does the Bible say about Friendship?
— Nic Harding
Let me, first of all, say that I have learned to value friendship more than anything else in the world. I'll start with a story.
Good Friends In Challenging Times
Back in 2008, my wife Jenny and I were going through a very difficult time. A personal time of dealing with some investments that went wrong and getting badly into debt, things weren't going well for us in my work, and things were really tricky in the church as well. I felt very low, very isolated, and really down. In fact, I got pretty much to the point of the end of myself. If it wasn't for a few very dear friends holding my arms up during that time, I would probably have wanted to quit. But there were friends who I would meet with, other church Pastor friends, who would get around and pray with me and say, "We're standing with you Nic, you're going to come through this". Other local friends would be there to cheer me on with some encouragement and some positive words.
Tough Love
There were a few around me who spoke the words of truth that I also needed to hear at that time. They were true friends.
One of the things the Bible does say about friendship in the book of Proverbs, is this,
In fact, actually, if your friends aren't able to speak honestly and truthfully to you when you need to hear it, then they probably aren't the best of friends. True friends can do that. Friends are people you do life with. They're people you laugh with and cry with, people who you share your everyday experiences with.
Invest In Your Friendships
Through that whole time of difficulty, I learned something really, really important. It's this. Friendship is probably one of the most important things in the world to get right and to invest in.
Being the age that I am, I'm privileged to have friends who I've been around for 40 or even 50 years. One dear couple is very close to me and Jenny. We've known them for 50 years this year, in fact, and I probably nearly killed the husband on two occasions (both incidents involving cars, which is another story for another day). But still, the dearest of friends. Friends we've been on holiday with, friends whose children have grown up with our children, friends who have shared in our experience of church life, who still after 50 years live on the same street as us. It's pretty remarkable, isn't it? And through those difficult years, I learned that actually, friendships are more important than work, they're more important than making money, they're more important than success or celebrity. Friendships are the stuff of life.
Let's face it, who's going to be there at your funeral? I had reason to think about this on many occasions. Who is going to be there at your funeral? You may get a few work colleagues, but it's mainly going to be people who are your dearest friends and family.
Family, of course, is a great place for friendship. I've been married for 46 years. I would have to say that you don't automatically get a good friendship after 46 years of marriage, but you're probably not going to be together for 46 years unless you have a deep-seated friendship underlying your marriage. Jenny is my best friend. You know, we've gone through thick and thin together. Friendship is a place where you learn to love and be loved. Isn't that true of every human being, that we want to both give love and receive love? Whether that's the friendship of a marriage, or you may be a single person who's just got good friends around you. That's also a place with those folks where you can give love, and receive love. Such an important part of our wiring. That's how God designed us to both give and receive love, and friendship is where that can happen in its truest and purest form.
Friends For Eternal Life
Here's an amazing thing. You can't take many things with you when you die. In fact, you can't take any physical stuff with you. People say there are no pockets in a shroud in grave clothes because you don't take anything with you. But here's an interesting fact. Here's the second Bible verse I want to mention. Here's one about investing in friendships. It's from Luke, the gospel of Luke, one of the writers who was around Jesus during his time on earth and witnessed the events firsthand. He heard what Jesus had to say as well as from his followers. And he wrote them down diligently later on. Luke said,
Do you see what it's saying here? That your investments in friendships have an eternal reward, and when you get to Heaven, you will find your friends are there and they will welcome you in and say, "Hey, come on in, Nic. Come on in. It's great here. Heaven is everything it's cracked up to be and so much more. Come and let me show you around, come and meet the boss. Come and see our father's house." It's just going to be an amazing time of reconnecting with friends.
Investing in friendship now has an eternal benefit and reward. We invest in so many things, we invest in our careers, doing up our houses, going on exotic holidays, but what better thing to invest in than your friendships? The Bible's very clear that friendships are of eternal value.
What About Friendship With God?
Is that possible? Some people would think of God as distant and unknowable. Well, the amazing thing is this, Jesus said to His followers,
That's amazing, isn't it? The Son of God, the Messiah, the Saviour of the world, the one who was not only born as a human being but rose from the dead miraculously, never to die again, was taken back to heaven to be with his father, where he'd come from. That same person who is God Himself, says, no longer do I call you servants, but I call you friends.
I'm speaking here to some of you who are Christian, some of you who know what it means to follow God, that your relationship needs to be translated from a servant, just kind of dutifully obeying what you think being a Christian is all about, to becoming a friend of God, not the sort of friend where you treat the relationship casually, not the sort of friendship where you just take it for granted. No, there's a sense of awesome respect for the Mighty God who He is, but the friendship that means intimacy, a friendship that means sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with Him, the friendship that means He will never, ever leave you. He said that right at the end to his followers. For I will be with you even to the end of the age. Of course, he does that by giving us His Spirit, the Spirit of Christ, who comes to live in us, that makes it known to us that we are children of God, but also that we are friends of God and that friendship is so precious, is so powerful. It's a friendship that is greater than any other friendship.
Here's another thing the Bible says in the book of Proverbs.
My understanding of that verse is he's talking about friendship with God Himself. God will never let us down, He will never bad mouth us, He will never desert us, He will never give us up and write us off as a failure. He will always believe in us, He will always want the best for us, He will always be there for us. Even when we walk away from Him, He never takes offence. He never walks away from us, He's always there just waiting for us to return. Maybe some of you need to find and know God as a friend. Maybe some of you who have felt distant from God, need to come back to him to say, God, I'm so sorry. I've ignored your friendship, I've taken you for granted. Come and fill me again with your Spirit so that I can have fellowship with the Holy Spirit.
The very last chapter of 2 Corinthians talks about the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, who is the Spirit of Christ, who comes to live in us when we know God for ourselves. That word, "fellowship", is a combination of two things. It's friendship, and it's partnership. It's being together, and it's doing stuff together. You see, God invites us into this amazing friendship where we not only have him as our closest friend, who is always with us, which means we'll never be on our own, but even when we feel in our most isolated and most vulnerable, he's right there with us. He's someone who we do stuff together with. Out of that friendship, comes a desire to do things with him. We get to discover, where's the father working? Where's the Spirit working? We get to join in on the basis of that friendship, and that partnership.
I wonder whether you have invited God into your life. I wonder whether you want to do that today. Maybe I could just pray a simple prayer so that God could become your friend. Maybe you can just repeat this prayer after me in your heart or out loud. It might be the beginning of a brand new relationship with God as Heavenly Father, with Jesus as His Son, as your partner in life, with His Spirit, with whom you walk with day by day, who you have friendship and partnership with in your life, who directs you and leads you into God's greatest purpose and plan. The thing that you were created for, the reason you were put on this earth. He will lead you into that which ultimately is the most rewarding and fulfilling life. Let me pray this prayer. If you echo it in your heart then just say it with me.
A Prayer
CONVERSATION STREET
With: Sharon Edmundson & Rach Marshall.
What is Conversation Street?
Conversation Street is part of our live stream, where the hosts (in this case, Sharon & Rach) chat through Nic’s talk and answer questions that were sent in through the live stream. To watch the conversation now, click here.
Sharon: What things stood out to you from that talk?
Rach: I think how important friendship is. It's a precious thing. But it's hard when friendships go wrong. That was a comment that Matt put in. Or when you lose a friendship, and it's painful. That struck a chord with me. Also, friendship with God which is still one, I must admit, that I ponder on quite a lot because God is so amazing.
Sharon: One of the things that stood out to me was the importance of friendship. I think having to be purposeful in that. I have actually written a list of friends and people that I want to be purposeful with. I'm not always successful in being purposeful, but at least I've got my list there because I think it's easy for the important things in life to get crowded out with things that are urgent, but not necessarily important. Or just daily life.
Rach: Yeah, if you've got a busy job, you've got children, or other family commitments, or if you get a new dog. It sounds daft, but I've heard that getting a new dog can take up a lot of time. Life goes through stages and phases.
But, I know that when I spend time with friends, it does something more for me than I expect it to, and it's nourishing and really good for me. Particularly with friends that I feel have a really godly impact on my life. It can be easy to go, "oh I'm too busy". But you know, we need those friendships.
Sharon: I think it was probably about that same time Nic was talking about when he was going through a really difficult time, and he needed friends to support him, that actually I was having a really difficult time. Mentally, I wasn't doing well at all. I remember you saying to me one day, "Are you angry?" And that was the first time that I'd stopped and went, "actually yeah I am angry". After that I wrote down another list (I like lists) of all the things that I was angry about. It went on for pages. It was not long after we'd had our third child and, with the sleeplessness, I'd let things build up and get on top of me. Whereas normally I would have kept on top of those things, I hadn't done. Actually, that was a real turning point for me in being able to get to a place of good mental health again. So, thank you Rach, if I've not said it before.
Rach: You have, but thank you again.
What Makes A Good Friend?
Rach: So, the Bible uses phrases that make us think, what does that mean? Nic talked about, "faithful are the wounds of a friend". Well, that sounds like quite an odd phrase. What does that mean? Does it mean that it makes me a faithful friend if I punch you?
Sharon: No. I think it means that good friends actually tell their friends the hard stuff in life. So if they see their friend doing something that's wrong or not helpful that a good friend is able to pull you up and say, what are you doing?
That in turn makes you think, hang on a minute. They love me. They're my friend. They're not going to say this just because they want to hurt me or because they're spiteful. They're actually doing this for my own good. At the time it can hurt, but in the long run, it's actually for good.
What Is A Godly Friendship?
Sharon:
“The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.”
- Proverbs 12:26 (NKJV)
I take that to mean that there are good friends and bad friends. The good friends are the ones that lead you towards God and truth. The bad friends lead you in the opposite direction. So we need to be careful who our friends are.
But also, to make sure that we're being a good friend. That way, we are not leading people down the wrong path.
Rach: Maybe you're trying to come out of an addiction like drugs or alcohol. I know one of the challenges can be your friendship group. If all your friends are doing it, and you're trying not to, you need to pull away. It doesn't have to be something as addictive as that, it might be something else, like hanging out with people that aren't lifting others up. Maybe they're really gossipy or harsh or mean.
Sharon: Again, the book of Proverbs says,
“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”
- Proverbs 16:28 (NIV)
In terms of gossip, if someone is gossiping about your friend, and you're listening to it, and not checking out the truth of it, that can bring real separation. But also nobody wants a friend that's going to gossip about them. You want a friend who's going to stick up for you, and say positive things about you, not talk behind you back and share your private business.
Rach: Yeah, when I talk to my daughters about different things, they're very clear that they don't want to talk about their friends behind their backs. That's a good quality to have, but it's easy to get drawn into gossip isn't, especially if you're really frustrated with someone.
Sharon: But these verses talk about reining that in and not allowing yourself to do that, I think.
What does the Bible mean when it says, "Greater love has no one than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends?"
Sharon: Well, I think there's two sides. You lay your life down in terms of you would die for someone if you had to do that. Jesus demonstrated that for us. He took the punishment for our rebellion against God, so that we could be forgiven and have relationship with Him. So it can mean that one extreme, but I think it can also mean, when you're doing things to help your friend thrive, even if sometimes you have to go out of your way a little bit.
Rach: Yeah, I think if you do anything sacrificial, you're not doing it to please yourself. It might look like making a meal for a friend who's really tired if they have to cook for a few people, or maybe even give them a bit of money to support them if that's going to help. Another example is with Sharon and her family. They let us live here whilst we were getting our house renovated. I mean, that was amazing. We were prepared to go and rent somewhere else, and they let us stay which was sacrificial for them because we all had our little breed of kids with us as well.
Sharon: It was great fun. All the jokes were shared. And in some ways, it meant we all probably gained more from the experience.
Rach: yeah, that's true.
Can You Buy Friendships?
Rach: Luke 16:9 sounds like we've been given permission to buy friendships through worldly wealth. This sounds very contradictory to the rest of Jesus's teachings.
Sharon: This is in the context of a parable that Jesus told about somebody who had been fiddling the books, and his master had come to take count of the books. This guy realised he was going to be found out so rather than just accepting that he's about to lose his job because he's done this wrong, he basically lets off lots of people from their debt.
I think it's talking about how with friendships you need to sew into them and you need to give. I don't think he was necessarily saying, you should buy friendship, I think he was saying it's all about the wisdom and knowing what's important.
Rach: We're all on a journey. Sometimes our motives might be really good. Other times they might not. As you grow in friendships, you want to make sure you're not doing stuff to manipulate. When you hear of people that are really loaded, and everybody wants a bit of them, but when they lose their money, their friends walk away. I think a true friend would be there whether you're rich or poor, regardless of your wealth. I don't think Jesus is encouraging us to buy friendship, but rather, to be generous and give rather than hold on. But I do think we have to put into friendship, as well as maybe take in as well.
Sharon: Sadaf said, I think Luke is about preparing for our lives in eternity, by being generous and wise stewards in our present lives here on Earth.
What About When Friendships End?
Rach: It's really hard. I love my friends. I'm really grateful for my friends. And lots of friendships that have stayed throughout. But there are some that are here for a while, and then naturally just sort of dwindle out. I think that's okay. There's no sort of animosity or issues there. But there are others where something might happen and friendships suddenly end. That that can be very, very painful. Has God ever helped you through anything like that?
Sharon: As a couple, we've definitely had that experience with a very tricky situation. If it is a good friend, you do everything that you can to try and restore that friendship. If restoration is going to happen, both sides need to say sorry for the stuff that they've done, and then stop doing that stuff. The Bible calls that repentance.
Also, forgive each other. Forgiveness is so powerful, but you can only really have restoration, if both sides do that.
Rach: I do take great comfort from the verse in the Bible that says that Jesus is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. I'm really close to my sister. I know not all of us are close to our siblings, but I would definitely class her as a friend. To know that Jesus would stick even closer to me than my sister is amazing. Jesus is a faithful friend who will never ever leave you or reject you, or turn his back on you. It's a great comfort to have that, especially when you might have lost a friendship, and it's been very, very painful. I do trust God that as we pray and trust Him and give Him our pain, that there may be some point in the future where the friendship can be restored and improved.
Sharon: Lately, I've really enjoyed reconnecting with friends that I had lost touch with. We'd not fallen out or anything, so one was from when I was at school, and she happened to move to where our oldest son is at University in St. Andrews. She lives just on the outskirts of Edinburgh. So when I've taken Josh up to uni, I've contacted with her and said, "you fancy meeting up?" And then we met up and we'd not seen each other for at least a couple of decades. More recently, our other son was thinking about going to university in Exeter which is where I studied. So I met up with a friend who still lives down there that I studied with. We'd not seen each other for 29 years. But despite such a big gap there was still this connection.
Can A Person Be God's Friend?
Rach: It is really cool, and I do chat to God a lot when I'm walking along, or driving. A favourite prayer when I'm chatting to God is, "Help me Lord" with whatever's going on. I just think, isn't it amazing that we can worship God like you're saying, and yet He still wants us to chat to him. I find that quite incredible.
You might be thinking, "it's alright for you two", or words to that effect, but at the moment, you're struggling. You might have moved somewhere new, and you haven't got any local friends, or it might have gone wrong. Well, you can talk to God and chat with God about this. You can ask Him to bring friends your way.
I went through a season in my life, where the people that I was closest to, for whatever reason, moved. I was like, "who are my close friends?", and I did talk to God about it. I'm a writer, too. So, I would write stuff down about it. And I did talk and pray and chat with God and asked Him for help. So I would encourage you, if that's where you're at, you can do that.
Sharon: I've definitely been in times like that as well, asking, "have I actually got any friends?" when it seems like everybody's busy with their own lives. You don't feel like you've got that same connection with people.
What Are Some Examples Of Good Friendships In The Bible?
Rach: See, I really do love thinking about Jesus and the disciples. Also the way he was with Martha and Mary and their stepbrother, Lazarus. I just think there's just something about being really real, eating together, and being honest with each other. Martha had a bit of a go at Jesus after her brother died. David and Jonathan is a classic in the Old Testament of a close friendship. There was a real brotherly bond between them. David was the king of Israel. He was the guy that killed Goliath with the little stone. A lot of people have heard that story. So, that was David. He became really good friends with Saul's son, but Saul was the king before David and so got quite jealous of David because Saul could see that David was going to be king after him. So rather than celebrating David and God's plan for him to bless the nation, it was all about him. Jonathan, Saul's son, and David became really, really good friends. But David remained really loyal.
More Bible Verses About Friendship
1 Samuel 18:3-4 (ESV) - Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.
Proverbs 16:28 (NIV) - A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.
Proverbs 17:9 (NRSV) - One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.
1 Peter 4:8-10 (ESV) - Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace...
Proverbs 12:26 (NET) - The righteous person is cautious in his friendship, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.
John 15:13 (NIV) - Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
Proverbs 18:24 (ESV) - A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Romans 12:10 (ESV) - Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
1 Corinthians 15:33 (NIV) - Bad company corrupts good character.