What Does The Bible Say About Parenting?
Video Timeline
WELCOME
0:00 - Welcome with Matt & Sharon
TALK with Matt Edmundson
06:28 - What does the Bible say about Parenting?
06:30 - Why Did You Want To Be A Parent?
08:21 - What Are Your Hopes For Parenthood?
14:40 - Family Is At The Heart Of God
15:59 - Children Are A Gift From God
18:08 - Parenting Tips From Phil Watson
23:34 - Creating A Culture Of Honour
25:38 - Discipline
WORSHIP
29:00 - I Will Exalt with lyrics
CONVERSATION STREET with Matt & Sharon
33:34 - Conversation Street
CLOSING WORSHIP
01:02:48 - Oh God Be Our Guide with lyrics
Podcast:
What does the Bible say about Parenting?
— Matt Edmundson
Parenting is a fascinating topic. As a parent myself, I'm especially interested in knowing what the Bible says about parenting because, let's be real, there is no training for parenting. I did have to spend many months preparing to learn how to drive a car, I had to spend several days doing my first aid at work certification, but required absolutely zero formal training for parenting. For me and for Sharon, parenting has been a real treat and privilege. And we have three fantastic kids. And miraculously, we all seem to get along.
But I also appreciate that this is not everyone's story of parenting. The whole topic of parenting and family can be really hard for so many people in our society. And I do believe that the ideal is to raise kids in a healthy and loving family unit. But that's not always possible. My parents divorced when I was nine years old, which wasn't really a common thing in the 80s. And it's not just me that's been affected by this. In the Bible, there aren't actually that many examples of perfect families.
Take the very first family in the Bible, for example, Adam and Eve. Sin entered the world because of their decisions and decisions they made before they even had kids. And when they did have kids, while one brother murdered the other, it's the story of Cain and Abel, which is not a great start. But you fast forward to the time of Jesus, it's not got any better. At one point in the story, Mary, who is Jesus' mum turns up in an event where Jesus is speaking and, in effect, is there to have him committed because she thought he had severely lost the plot. Not a great example of supportive parenting. And the Bible is full of dysfunctional families. And as the church we know that family is complicated and it can be very, very messy indeed.
So let's look at some of the ideas that the Bible teaches us.
#1 - Family is at the heart of God
The first and perhaps the most important one is that family is at the heart of God. Now, the Bible often uses language that describes our relationship with God as like a family, the Bible calls us children of God and often refers to God as a father, a parent. And this is important because we can look at how God deals with things and get guidance from that and inspiration from that in how we should parent ourselves.
For example, God knew that we would get things very, very wrong, that sin would be a problem, and that we would mess up and damage his reputation and undermine everything that He was trying to do. But He didn't punish us for that. He extended grace to us without ever watering down his own standards. He said, God is for us and not against us. And when we get tired and grow weary, he lends us his strength, his love is unconditional. And he tells us that times will be good, and that times will be bad, that we will have troubles in life, but wherever we are, and wherever we find ourselves, we can lean into him. That sounds like a great role model for parenting, right?
#2 - Children are a gift from God
Not only is family at the heart of God, the Bible tells us that children are in fact a gift from God, and that we should love our kids in a way that God calls us to love. What does that mean? Jesus' brand of love is talked about in a letter that Paul wrote to the Corinthian church. It is a passage often quoted at weddings, but applies equally to us all as parents, and it reads this,
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”
And it goes on and on with some amazing truths. But why did Paul have to start with love being patient? Patience, is not one of my greatest gifts, but it is simply moving at somebody else's pace. Love isn't pushy, you see this with grandparents, right? They tend to be more patient than parents, as parents always have somewhere to be or something to do. But what happens when you are walking with someone at a different pace is that you become separated.
And the gospel is about a God who moved at our pace. He came alongside us and drew us into him, he walks with us. And it's great parenting advice. Otherwise, we separate ourselves from our kids. And they become discouraged when they can't keep up, especially with dad's expectations. I love this quote from Andy Stanley, he says,
"My responsibility as a father is not to decide what my kids do in life, but to put my weight behind what they decide to do in life."
— Andy Stanley
#3 - Creating a Culture of Honour
The Bible in quite a few places tells children to honour their parents. But this idea is not something that kids are naturally born with, it's one of those things that as parents, we have to train our kids in. Paul, when he was writing to the church in Rome, said this,
“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
You have to create a culture of honouring in your home. This means, first and foremost, I have to model that with how I treat my wife, Sharon, the kids and other people. But why is this important? Well, in a culture of honour, there's actually very few rules. And I really like that. There are thousands of rules in a culture of dishonour. If you think about, for example, our current society, why do we need laws to prevent us littering? It's messed up in more ways than one. And it's because we don't honour each other. "I'm just gonna throw it on the floor and don't care". That's not honouring.
Paul says here "Be devoted to one another in love." The best thing I can do as a parent is to show my kids how much I love their mum. And honour has to be at the centre of our house because honour is at the centre of every great relationship, which is why we are told to honour our wives as husbands, why kids are told to honour their parents, and why us as dads should also honour our kids.
#4 - Discipline
Put simply, any behaviour that is dishonouring, I think requires a response or consequence. Otherwise it's going to be repeated over and over again. And in our house dishonouring would include things like lying, being disrespectful, and blatant disobedience. And these behaviours require discipline. Now I think discipline is different to punishment. Let me just be super clear about this. Discipline makes us better people. We all want to live a more disciplined life, whereas punishment makes us bitter people that work really hard not to get caught next time.
Now, at the heart of every transgression is a damaged relationship. And we can learn from the way God deals with us and apply that to our own parenting. We learned that the goal of discipline then is to restore the relationship that was damaged. We can read about that in the Bible. It says in Hebrews,
“They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
That's what discipline is all about. It's about holiness, about restoring relationships and righteousness. And that should always be the goal when it comes to disciplining our kids, right? Ask yourself this question. How can I help them restore the relationship that has been broken? How can I get them to take responsibility and own what has happened as a consequence of their behaviour, so that the relationship is restored? That's the heart of discipline.
Regardless of where you are at with your kids. There is always great hope in the Bible about the relationship we have with them. There is some great wisdom, some great insights, there are stories, some good stories and then stories of brokenness and tragedy. And in the midst of it all, there is a story of a God who took us all as his own children, got alongside us and walked with us in this journey called life.
A Chat with Charlie & Josh Langlois
Why did you want to be a parent?
Josh Langlois - Growing up family's always been a significant part of my life. I have a brother and a sister who I get along really well with, and I guess my passion and desire was to be part of building a family unit that gave my childhood so much meaning, fun and happiness. So I think that was a huge driver, my love for my family. And so I guess there was always a desire in me to see the same thing come to fruition in my life with my children, investing in loving them. So there are lots of things involved with why I wanted to become a parent. But that's probably a significant one.
Charlie Langlois - I relate to a lot of what Josh was saying. I don't think I ever considered not being a parent, it was always part of my plan for my life. Again, I came from a family with siblings, and always just assumed that I'd have several children of my own. I think probably the harder question would be, did you ever consider not having children, in a way? Because for me, the answer was always the opposite. And yeah, just never really considered anything different. I would really just hope that my children know how loved and valued and cared for they are. And I think sometimes as a parent, you're always doubting yourself, you're always thinking that someone else could be doing a better job, always feeling like you made mistakes. And I think my hope would always just be that despite all of the things that I felt I could do better that actually, they could just see my intention, my heart and my love for them, that everything else just wouldn't matter.
What are your hopes for parenthood?
Josh - We currently have two boys. And for me, I think it's just raising them to be men of integrity, men that connect to things and that their yes is yes, and no is no, they stick to their word. And just the most upstanding members of society that we can encourage and develop. So that would be one of my hopes.
Charlie - So I would really love just to raise boys that have compassion and love. I think we live in a society where from a male perspective, there's a lot of discussion about how to be a man, and actually I have thought a lot recently about what I think it means to develop and grow boys into men. And actually, the things that I would value in a guy, and I want my sons to grow up to have those values, is to know how to love, how to cherish, how to be honest and just, all of those things are really important to me, and we would want to guide them in that.
And I also have a massive desire that my kids would love relationship with us, that they would always want to have relationship with us. And obviously, from our point of view, when the time comes, we need to learn to let them go when they grow up, and they become adults and potentially have families of their own, but I would really desire for us always to have healthy relationships with them and to model healthy relationships to them. And one of the big things that we're always thinking about is how do we bring our kids to know God's word, how do we introduce them to Jesus, and we would just love it if they grew up with him.
Josh - I'd like to finish by saying that they grow us. They have helped us grow in faith and in life, in our character and our personalities to be better people.
Charlie - And we've learned a lot about ourselves.
Josh - Yeah, my hopes would also be that we would help them be the best that they can be because they've helped us to be the best that we can be. And just that we instil in them a desire to be the best they can be in a real way and make the most out of their time that they've got on Earth.
Parenting Tips from Phil Watson
It's just a theory!
Never really trust anyone who's got a theory about parenting, because it's only a theory. I've got three kids and as soon as I think I know what I'm doing, one of them will do something that will make me go, I wasn't expecting that, that's a little bit of a shock, or it's not quite what I wanted. So even if somebody has got some real deep considered thoughts, you have to think about what works for you, what works for your children. That's ultimately what counts, not a generalised picture.
Data
When people say, Oh, I know what works, because it worked for my kids, they probably only got 2,3,4,5, I don't know. And that isn't enough data to say just because it works for one kid means it'll work for all of them. And probably if you've got more than one kid, you've already discovered, they're different. They're their own people, they have this thing called freewill, and they have this thing called a personality. And that means that they don't respond the same way to the same things just like you and just like me.
Don't take all the credit and don't take all the blame
However well or however badly your kids are doing, it's not entirely down to you. It's more complicated than that. So kids have freewill. Kids have their own personalities. You can't control that. Sorry. That's just the way it is.
It ain't over till it's over
If you can maintain a relationship with your kids, even when things are difficult, when they're tough, and you think you're falling out a lot. If you can maintain a relationship, there's always a chance. There's a wonderful story in the Bible, often known as the prodigal son, should be called the two sons really, where one of the kids goes off and basically does exactly what his dad doesn't want him to do. But his dad waits for him. And his dad says, I hope he comes back, I pray he comes back. And when that son, the prodigal son comes back, the dad is waiting, going, Yeah, you're back. Brilliant. Let's get on with our lives. It ain't over till it's over. There's another son in the story. And he appears to be compliant. And some people might go well, that's a lovely son, does what he's told, got to look at his heart, his heart is not in the right place. Compliance does not mean heart in the right place. Good behaviour doesn't necessarily mean good behaviour.
Ignore society schedules
We have this thing that we've developed certainly in the West, I'd call it competitive parenting, or treating our children like status symbols - my child could already use the potty, my child's already walking, my child's smiling, my child's very, very good on an iPad, my child can navigate the entire internet, my child's already got really good SATs, they've got into this school, aren't they great? They're doing the GCSEs. They're doing some of them early and they're doing these A levels and they do very academic A levels. They're going to this university, they're going to this college, they passed their driving, all this stuff. These are all cultural, they are socially manufactured, to make the rest of us feel rubbish or to make us feel proud. Don't take all the credit, don't take all the blame.
If your child gets some GCSEs well done, if they get them when they're 15, or 16, or 17, or 25, or 40. Well done. Don't be constricted by the schedule that society imposes upon us. Almost everybody I've ever met, has eventually learned to tie their shoelaces or use velcro or go to the toilet themselves. So go back to that first point. We're all different as well, some people will never be very good at some things. But let's look at what our kids are good at. And let's pursue those things and go, Yeah, okay. I'm good at this. You're good at that. Doesn't diminish you. It doesn't diminish me. It's all good.
Eat at a table
Parenting can reflect the culture and society in which we live. Some very practical things. If you can sit around a table, eat at a table. And start when they're little, start when they're as young as possible and make sure you're at the table too. If you want to have rules at the table about phones, iPads, YouTube, whatever, make sure that you live by them as well as your kids because they will see integrity, they will see if you keep your own rules.
Surround your kids with good people
Surround your kids, especially when they're teenagers, with good people. Because one day you might fall out with your teenagers. And that might not be so nice, and they'll go off in a bit of a strop. You want them to go to somebody who's fairly sensible, who may or may not say the same sort of things as you do. These could be aunts, uncles, they could be surrogate aunts and uncles, mishpocha, my favourite Yiddish word, your family and friends and all those that live in a similar lifestyle to you.
Parenting is a fun job. Some of the time it's fun, I enjoy it. We say we got three kids, two birth kids got by natural means. We adopted one of our foster kids. I'm a youth worker. We've had other foster kids, and I am a teacher and I have been for 25 years, of teenagers and I still don't know what I'm doing. And that's okay. Enjoy your parenting!
CONVERSATION STREET
With: Matt & Sharon Edmundson.
What is Conversation Street?
Conversation Street is part of our live stream, where the hosts (in this case, Matt & Sharon) chat through the talk and answer questions that were sent in through the live stream. You can watch the conversation in the video, it starts at 38 min 43 seconds into the live stream, or you can go straight there by clicking here. This week’s questions and topics of conversation are:
How do our childhood experiences with our parents affect our parenting or how we relate to God as a Father?
How can Christian men rise up to be good father figures in a world that's lacking fathers?
Have you ever caught yourself repeating something that your parents said to you or doing something that you said you'd never do that they did?
How do friendships affect children growing up? What can parents do to surround their children with the right people?
Is there a particular verse from the Bible that has helped you in your parenting?
What were some things you didn't do so well with your children?
What about the families where raising children has been hard and there's been failure and hardships?
More Bible Verses About Parenting
Proverbs 1:8 - Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
Proverbs 10:1 - A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother.
Colossians 3:21 - Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Philippians 1:6 - being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Deuteronomy 6:6,7 - And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Matthew 19:14 - Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Psalm 103:13 - As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
More from this series
