What Does The Bible Say About Loneliness?
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What does the Bible say about Loneliness?
— Sharon Edmundson
Loneliness is defined as the feeling we get when our need for rewarding social contact and relationship is not met. Another definition of loneliness is a subjective and unwelcome feeling which results from a mismatch in the quality and quantity of social relationships we have and those we desire. Maybe you can relate to this prayer by King David which can be found in the Bible,
“Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.”
Loneliness is not the same as being alone, but you can be on your own and feel perfectly happy. Or you can be in a group of people and feel isolated and lonely. My friend, Will says,
I’m pretty happy in my own company and definitely an internal processor. The times I feel most lonely are at social occasions, even with friends, when I’m not really feeling like banter and anecdote or small-talk. Silence isn’t really appropriate normally in such settings I end up just feeling isolated from the noise and light-heartedness around me. The cliche of lonely in a crowd.
— Will Sopwith
The Campaign To End Loneliness website says, ‘There are 1.2 million chronically lonely older people in the UK and 9 million lonely people.’ Loneliness can be short term lasting hours, days or weeks, or it can be long term perhaps lasting for years. What things make you lonely?
Today I'm going to look at what the Bible has to say about our need for connection, how life was intended to be, what went wrong and some hopes for the future. And I'm going to add quotes from friends along the way. What I'm not going to do is cover every cause of loneliness and give you your own personalised plan to solve the issue. It’s more of a conversation starter and hopefully a hope builder. Loneliness can sometimes have a complicated and messy mix of reasons but I believe that God has the answer.
Our Need for Connection
The definitions I gave of loneliness both point to our need for meaningful connection with other people. And the Bible explains where this need comes from. In the very first book of the Bible, we see God created the world and everything in it, including human beings. Genesis 1 says,
“Then God said, “Let us make mankind in our image, in our likeness…’”
The Bible tells us that there's only one God, but he's made up of three persons - the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. They've always existed in perfect loving relationship with each other. We're relational beings, because we're made in the image of a relational God.
The first relationship we're created for is a relationship with God Himself. And without that the most important relationship in our lives is missing. But amazing as this is, it's not the only relationship we need. For those of us who've been around church for any length of time, we can sometimes get the impression that God is meant to be the only thing we need. And in one sense, that's true, because everything good that we need has its origin in Him. But in another sense, the Bible teaches that we need more relationships than just that one with Him, important though it is.
The first person God created was a man called Adam. And God Himself said this about the situation,
“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him. ”
Adam had God but he also needed people. So God created a capable woman to come alongside him. Who doesn't need a capable woman in their life? This was the first marriage which turned into the first family and into a whole community. All of these were God's idea and plan. You may have heard it said that marriage is a social construct, but according to the Bible, it was created by God. Within marriage, family and the wider community we’re meant to have unconditional love, mutual respect, understanding and deep, fulfilling connections. That’s not to say you have to be married or in a romantic relationship to have fulfilling relationships. The bible is very positive about singleness and contrary to what our culture says, it’s possible to live a connected, satisfying life as a single person - take Jesus for example.
So the world was created for us to rule together under the kingship of God, leading to all of life flourishing with no one being lonely. That’s all very well I hear you say, but that’s not my experience. Maybe you feel lonely at lot. Maybe you are lonely now. If you’ve ever felt lonely, you’re not weird, you’re just human with a legitimate God-given need that isn’t (or wasn’t) being met. Maybe you can relate to Nicola. She says,
I used to feel lonely because I didn’t like being in my own company. When you don’t like your own company and you don’t like yourself, that’s a very horrible place to be in. I get lonely when I’ve given people a lift home. They go home to their families but when I go home it’s just me and the cats.
— Nicola Morris
What went wrong with God's great plan?
So what's gone wrong? What causes a lack of meaningful relationships?
The overall root cause of the problem is the rebellion of human kind against God (which the bible calls sin) which has the knock on effect of a broken relationship with God. It also means that we as people are broken and the physical world is broken leading to a multitude of problems including loneliness. Let me explain what I mean.
#1 - Relationship with God
Firstly, when our relationship with God is broken, we're cut off from the one who is a source of life and knows how we and the universe are intended to function.
#2 - Our own sin and issues
Secondly, we all have our own issues which affect our ability to connect. In my life, there have been several different reasons why I've had trouble connecting with people, and therefore felt lonely. For example, when I was in my early teens, I felt lonely at school, because I didn't like myself very much, like Nikola. I was also angry with the people who'd hurt me, but I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. So I stuffed them all down and got depressed. Not being able to express how I felt made it difficult for me to connect with people. At times, I believed lies about myself, like I'm not worthy of love, as other people are. And all these things have contributed to feelings of loneliness. It's been a mixture of my own rebellion against God and His ways, believing lies, and also a lack of knowledge about God, and who He says I am, and how He set up the world to work.
Maybe you can relate to some of these things. Maybe people have mistreated you in the past, making it hard for you to trust people and really connect as hard as it is to admit. Sometimes, part of the reason for our loneliness is because of our own brokenness. But that's not the only possible cause. This brings me to our third cause.
#3 - Other people’s sin and issues
Sometimes we are lonely because of other people’s sin, brokenness or just busyness. Maybe someone has treated you badly and it’s put a wall between you. Or maybe people just aren’t there for you.
I’ve felt lonely when going through difficult times and the people who I expected to be there for me weren’t.
— Jenny
I feel so lonely when I’m ignored, lonely when I need to talk and can’t find anyone to hear me, when I’m tired and need someone to support me and there is no-one there.
— Fatima
Stuff at home with my dad….my whole childhood, that was never discussed, so when I left the house no-one knew what I was going through. That created a sense of loneliness. I didn’t talk about it until I was in my 30s.
— Sue
A combination of our own sin and other people's sin leads to relationships and family breakdown. Sometimes people hurt us, or let us down because of their own sin or brokenness. And sometimes, it's because of living in the society we do with all its pressures. Which leads me on to my fourth point.
#4 - A society affected by disconnect from God
As we have drifted away from God, society as a whole has become broken too. So we have countries in the west with our desire for more and more stuff and money. We have corruption and mismanagement.We have people working long hours for not enough pay and exploitation of workers in other countries. We have ditched the sabbath day of rest in order to stay on the treadmill longer.
In the west we have a very individualistic way of living with a breakdown in community. In the east there is a focus on community but sometimes the individual gets lost. There are wars and people displaced and trafficked and separated from their families. All of these things add up and impact each other.
I’ve felt lonely in all stages of my life: single, married and with kids. I was lonely in marriage when my husband worked long hours and I was lonely with kids when stuck at home, tired and looking after crying babies.
— Rach
#5 - A broken world
My last broad category is to do with living in a broken world. Being part of a world decaying because of our collective sin means that there are also illnesses (including corona), natural disasters and death. All of these can contribute to loneliness. Perhaps you can relate to Nicola. She says,
During lockdown, for me loneliness was not being able to get out and see my friends. I would normally be the one going out and helping people but I wasn’t allowed out because I’m immunosuppressed. Now that lockdown has ended, with my illness I can be in bed for a couple of days. That can be an isolating and lonely place to be.
— Nicola
Or maybe you relate more to Al,
The one time I truly felt alone was at 16 when my dad and grandad died within 3 months of each other. My heart was broken as they were my heart. I was fortunate enough to have men around me to speak to. This is the reason for my heart for men. In times of deep loneliness we all need someone.
— Alistair
Hopefully you can see why I say the cause of loneliness can be complicated and messy. This all sounds a bit depressing and I don’t think the Bible whitewashes the situation. Things really are bad in the world. But there is hope. Jesus came to bring us good news.
What’s the good news?
The good news is that we are loved by God so much that he still wants a relationship with us in spite of our rebellion. The second person of the trinity, Jesus, came to each in human form to die and take the punishment we deserve.
“All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.”
Jesus died a horrible death on a cross in our place, abandoned by most of his friends and cut off from God the father. He knows what’s it’s like to be lonely. Have you every had the experience where you’ve done something wrong and you want to hide from God and other people because of your shame? We don’t need to hide from God because he takes our shame.
“...God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.””
Al experienced this after his dad and grandad died. He said,
Jesus helped me through. Since then, I’ve been alone but never lonely.
— Alistair
When we accept what he did for us we get adopted into his family. We often have a guy called Phil on the livestream who is an advocate for adoption. He adopted a son. When this son was adopted, he didn’t just gain new parents but a new brother and a new sister. When we get adopted into God’s family we get a whole new set of bothers and sisters too.
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families...”
The founding pastors of our church modelled taking people into their families really well. They showed great hospitality and took many people in as lodgers over the years. Many of us who have learned from them have followed their example. We have quite a few people who have either lived with us or just become part of the family even though they are not biologically related.
So, some other ways in which Jesus helps in our loneliness: We heard earlier from Nicola who says she didn’t used to like her own company. When we realise how much we are loved by God and how much value we have, we start to like ourselves which helps with relationships. I say it every time, but receiving God’s forgiveness and passing that on to other people has totally transformed how I feel about myself and others which has resulted in being more connected with people.
Another thing the bible teaches us to do is to take responsibility for our own stuff. So if we’ve got things wrong and hurt other people we need to own that and deal with it. The more time we spend with Jesus the more we become transformed, leading to a transformation in our relationships too. And it doesn’t stop there. When we have experienced the love of God we are to pass it onto others. The charitable arm of our church has many projects that reach out into the community to address some of the issues the community is facing and to introduce people to God. As a bi-product of that, a supportive community is created.
Am I saying it's only Christians that can help with loneliness? Not at all, anyone can play a part in reducing loneliness? Am I saying that if you become a Christian, you will never be lonely? Not at all. Until Jesus comes again and puts everything properly right for good we still live in a broken world among broken people, including in the church, but I am saying that God knows what it is like to be lonely and has the answer to our loneliness, both now and for the future but it’s not always a quick fix. He is the one who truly transforms our relationships with Himself and other people.
I’m going to let my friend Sadaf have the last word. She says:
Feelings of loneliness are uncomfortable and often difficult to tolerate. Our natural response is avoidance - choosing to run from the uneasiness by running from it or even denying we’re lonely. We do whatever it takes to keep busy and distracted but the more we run the more our inner chaos grows. But what if we stop and choose to embrace it instead? …..In the same way Jesus sought solitude to pray and seek God’s will, our loneliness can help us to seek God’s heart for us.
— Sadaf Beynon
CONVERSATION STREET
With: Matt Edmundson & Dan Prior
What is Conversation Street?
Conversation Street is part of our live stream, where the hosts (in this case, Matt & Dan) chat through Sharon's talk and answer questions that were sent in through the live stream. You can watch the conversation in the video, it starts at 31 min 13 seconds into the live stream, or you can go straight there by clicking here. This week’s questions and topics of conversation are:
How do our thoughts about ourselves affect us and the way others perceive us?
How is Christmas a lonely time for many people?
How does Social Media cause people to feel lonely?
How can the church help combat loneliness?
How can married couples help single people around them feel less lonely?
What have people done for you that has made you feel valued & included?
More Bible Verses About Loneliness
2 Corinthians 1:3,4 - Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
1 John 1:7 - But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin.
Philippians 4:19 - And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
James 4:8 - Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
Psalms 25:16-18 - Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish. Look on my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins.
Romans 8:38,39 - For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Psalms 73:28 - But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.
Isaiah 40:28,29 - Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Matthew 27:43 - And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
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